Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Here is how you get digestive health.
Eat a Chicken Biscuit for breakfast.
Wash it down with some coffee.
Bodda boom bodda bing.
PS - Update later on my Florida Christmas.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Day 2: Today at the Y a guy looked like he was doing something sexual on this machine that looks like it's purpose is to train you for the Winter Olympic Speed Skating event. He kept sticking his butt way out and then proceeded to make out with the equipment. It was extremely disturbing. I couldn't decide if maybe he was trying to get someone to notice him or if he was European and didn't know any better. Either way, I left the gym seriously disturbed.
Day 3: I was running late to work so I couldn't go by Starbucks and get my favorite, the non-fat Peppermint Mocha Twist with whip. Grrrr.
Day 4: My fingers hurt from folding Christmas letters which I now remember I left at home.
Day 5: I browned a pot roast before work this morning and now I smell like meat. But I'm a baller because I browned a pot roast before work.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
That's right people, I was in the marching band until my senior year of high school. When I was fifteen I was toting around a clarinet in my backpack, thank GOD it fit in there, so no one would know that I was in the BAND. I also had my first "real" boyfriend, he played saxophone and had a hoop earring HOT. My parents got a divorce and I suddenly found myself with a step-mom and a 3-yr-old step-sister. NOT hot, I only had one other friend with divorced parents. Side note, Oddly enough, that is still the case...how is that even possible with a divorce rate of ~50%?
For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to take a dance class called "precision" which was basically a segway into the high school drill team. Now, those girls, THOSE girls were cool. With their cute sequined outfits, big makeup, and Texas cowboy hats and boots (we were the Cowboys, what do you expect?), I could only dream of every being that cool.
The only problem was one thing, I CAN'T DANCE. It was incredibly difficult for me to even learn the routine, let alone perfect it. That and I was petrified of anyone seeing my less-than-curvy body in a leotard. How embarrassing! More embarrassing than being in marching band! TOOT TOOT.
I too wore overalls A LOT, had my braces taken off that Spring, had Calvin Klein jeans, as many Tommy Hilfinger shirts as my Mom would buy me, and knee high socks.
FLASHBACK: We had to go to band camp two weeks before school started. No, it was not an actual camp. We had two-a-days at the same time as the freaking football team on a black asphalt parking lot at the high school. I got sun poisoning for the first time in my life SUPER COOL and several people passed out from a combination of the heat and locking their knees.
I was in the junior honor band as a frosh, SWEET, the only kids better than I was at the clarinet that were freshmen were Korean, in case you didn't know, a LOT of Korean people live in Dallas and are really freaking talented. Some of the Korean kids actually had GRAY HAIR. I mean, that shit is for real.
In middle school I ran track and cross-country and I was GOOD. Like top 10 every single time out of 200 girls running good. However, my MOTHER insisted that I stay in band, she'll tell you that isn't true but it is, what Mom wants their daughter to stay in band instead of being a cool high school athlete, I don't know. And yes, I still resent that because when I ran track again my junior of high school all of my talent had been marched away, no pun intended, BWAH.
Oh yea, that Spring, I decided one day after school to walk to our local Kroger and get a job. Yup, I bagged groceries. Some lady with umpteen million kids and two giant carts of groceries made me push BOTH carts out to her giant Euro van and didn't even tip me. I barely tipped the scale over 90 lbs. and this biotch expects me to push my weight in groceries in the 100 degree Texas weather. Oh well, I don't feel bad because I accidentally cracked some of the eggs that were on the CRATE of eggs she was buying.
All in all, I don't miss a single aspect of High School. My high school years weren't bad but they certainly weren't a musical BONK BONK.
Dear Husband, if you are reading this you bad ass Division 1 athlete you, you Senior superlative All Around Best Athlete, top 3 shut outs in the state of Pennsylvania in soccer and full basketball scholarship you, THANK YOU FOR MARRYING ME.
- Just because you "bedazzled" your black crocs with rhinestones, does not mean they are "business casual"
- Lime Green Terry Cloth Cropped Drawstring Pants
- Hair To Your Butt After The Age of 7
- Smelling Like A Cigarette Factory Went Up In Flames
- Pants So Tight That I Can See Your Cottage Cheese
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
- Pickles. Of the Clausen variety.
- Chipotle Ranch from Moes.
- Home Grown Tomatoes.
- Peppermint Mochas (Liquid Christmas as I fondly call it due to Simpson).
- Reading. Obsessively. I don't know any other way.
- My Husband's Beautiful Hair. I hope our kids get his hair. (Not the crazy long ones that occasionally grow out of his eyebrows though...)
- The Smell of Fall and Winter.
- Stories About My Friend Hot Tamale's Husband. Two words: White Rain
- Wireless Internet.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
- Saying I Love You for the first time. If you are texting it, do you really mean it? Or are you just a complete wuss?
- Breaking up with someone. Unless you are on a mission trip in the Congo, this is totally unacceptable.
- Wishing a good friend Happy Birthday. Again, how much do you really mean it if you can't pick up the phone and at least say it?
- Talking about your bowel movements. This is only okay with certain friends who have cleared talking about bathroom business with you.
- Texting during church, at the dinner table, or during a phone call.
Please feel free to submit your own ideas of when it is not okay to text.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Of course SNL doesn't have it as one of their videos, that would just make too much sense, all of those people laughing and actually watching SNL again, why would anyone want that?
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Jared, if you are reading this, I love you. I don't normally like pretty boys but please don't cut your hair, or stand too close to me.
PS - Check them out at 2:43 praying. LOVE IT.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
I don't know how I survived last night.
Oh wait, I stayed up too late catching up on Gossip Girl.
According to Amazon it won't be here until Monday but it is in Memphis right now...it better be here by Thursday, I have to finish it before Baby Fish Mouth's events or I am going to be "using the restroom" for extended periods of time.
PS - Stephenie, if you are reading this, please, PLEASE, still write Midnight Sun. With a cherry on top.
PSS - Um, I should be playing Bella in the movies. I even have the vampire teeth, au natural. Pale skin is my thing! And I talk in my sleep and grind my teeth. I'm just missing the brown eyes but maybe when she transforms she can have green eyes instead! Or, I could just wear colored contacts. Can I at least be an extra?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
I wonder if my boss would let me take a leave of absence so I can finish reading these books 24/7...
I ordered Breaking Dawn on amazon yesterday and it better get here FAST.
And for all you weirdos that think mystical stuff is un-Christian, please, GO AWAY. It is called FICTION for a reason. Or is it fiction??? HHHMMM?????
I would probably feel better if Vampires were actually the cause for many murders than by people that are just incredibly HORRIBLE.
Go to http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/ and buy the books.
Stephenie, if you're reading this, I heart you, let's get coffee some time and talk about your books. I'll even babysit your kids. Bye.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Until this past Saturday.
Something horrible happened.
And it didn't involve the dogs.
A certain individual who shall remain nameless because I don't know his name, was wearing jeans that were a wee bit too short.
That wasn't the worst part, shocking, I know.
This young man, let's call him "Joe the Plumber", sat down on a bench to chat to his lady friend. Except when he sat down, his pants dropped about 10 inches give or take a couple judging by the amount of ASS CRACK THAT WAS ON FULL DISPLAY.
I have never seen such horrible plumbers crack before! Not even when, on a separate occassion, a girl's thong was hiked up to her ears while she was bending over to get her dog!
It was HORRIBLE. One bystander commented that it was worse than gay porn which is pretty bad if you aren't into that kind of thing.
The worst thing about it was that it was actually a pretty chilly day, so HOW COULD JOE NOT FEEL THE COOL BREEZE SHOOTING DOWN HIS CRACK???!!!
I have come to the conclusion that he knew what he was doing and that he was more concerned with how his jeans looked from the lady friend's view than from THE REST OF THE WORLD.
Oh, MY EYES, MY EYYYYEEESSSS.
I'm still in recovery. The only thing that seems to be helping is my ass crack anon class.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Um, back up a minute. If you cannot wear skinny jeans, you most DEFINITELY CANNOT WEAR LEGGINGS.
NOT THE LEGGINGS TALK AGAIN! What is with my Mom and leggings? She is convinced that this is the trend she needs to latch onto yet doesn't think she should be wearing skinny jeans.
WHERE IS THE LOGIC? Spandex is way way less forgiving than denim. I am going to do everything within my power as a considerate and fashion conscious daughter to prevent the purchase of said leggings...for the second year in a row. This is practically a part time job people.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
This is what he made:
Penne pasta (good start...)
Four Cheese Marinara (sounds yummy...)
Parmesan Cheese (he loves cheese...)
Cheddar Cheese (starting to lose me but still not too bad...)
Frankfurters (and gone.)
Only a boy would think, "Hmmm, I know what would really make this meal, these little frankfurters!".
Monday, September 15, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
If it came down to food or me, my DH would definitely choose food.
Of course, I always knew that he loved food. I make dinner for a family of four because making dinner for two, well, that just won't suffice.
Except, as we were walking around a huge crowd of strangers at an event for Prevent Child Abuse TN, I almost lost him.
To the cocktail waiter with the chicken pastry.
Except, that my husband is so tall you can't really lose him.
Let's just hope that we never get stranded in the desert.
In what can only be described as a landmark win for those of us that think the two look oddly alike, but not quite identical twins, a whopping 62% agreed that they did look similiar. A further 2% of the 8 people who responded to this poll thought that they "definitely" looked alike.
1% had no idea who the two men are.
Next up: The Story of The Two Loves of Your Life.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Well, the lady just said it was a spin class. So I thought, alright, I'll give it a go.
I showed up and had to be directed to it because it was in some convoluted location in a hallway off of the gym.
What I saw before my eyes was not right.
It was a small room lit entirely with black lights and painted in all black and neon colors to really give it a nice glow.*
Maybe they should name the class "psychedelic trip you out spin".
That's not even the worst part, that part was actually kind of fun. I had on a white t-shirt so I was glowing. It feels good to glow every once in a while.
Anywho, I soon realized I was in the spin class from hell.
The class starts out with spinning, then you run upstairs to the roof, run around a small track, sprint around the small track, do some crazy ab workout on a balance ball, push ups, squats for two minutes straight, run and sprint some more, more crazy abs, side abs, push ups and then squats for 3 straight minutes.
THEN, you run back downstairs and spin some more.
THEN, you run up and down the stairs for 8 minutes.
THEN, you spin some more!
Now I know why no one told me what the class was.
I'm going back tonight.
*After doing some follow-up research, apparently, a lot of spin classes are lit by black lights. I had just never been to one that was lit with black lights.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
Apparently these "jokesters" bought a Bigfoot costume and stuffed it with possum roadkill and slaughterhouse leftovers. These two men have no idea how tragic this is for the Bigfoot community. I feel like a mockery.
The hunt continues.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Every morning, I scroll through the morning news on cnn.com, foxnews.com, and wsj.com. All very different news outlets, I know. I like to pretend I'm a well-rounded person.
Back to my find though. This morning, a particular article under CNN's "Latest News" section caught my eye.
Are you ready?
Wait for it...
Here it comes........
"Is that a Bigfoot carcass in the freezer?"
This is big people. Some lovely gents in North Georgia, home to some serious rednecks, er, I mean, Bigfoot hunters, found the carcass of Bigfoot and several living Bigfoots in some woods. The creature is 7'7" and 500 pounds, so, not quite as big as my husband.
The picture is kind of morbid but it does look like Bigfoot. I'm just curious as to how this giant animal has never been found before. If it does turn out to be a new animal, I wonder what the scientific name will be, you know that KINGDOM stuff you learned in 5th grade?
Maybe apesuperb? Or, big-ass-ape? Perhaps, monster-ape? Big everything? Super Size Me Ape?
And then McDonald's could have a series of Ape toys that come in the kids meal and the monopoly stickers would turn into win a free trip to see the Bigfoot Apes in North Georgia and go to 6 Flags. In fact, McDonald's should get on trademarking that name a.s.a.p. I would totally collect all of those toys. They could have genuine ape hair on them. Sick. I shouldn't have said that. That's taking it too far.
I'll keep you all posted on the DNA testing results, this is a story I won't be losing track of. Not like the time I lost track of the Caylee story, oh wait, that would be impossible as they are reporting NOTHING NEW E-V-E-R-Y-D-A-Y.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
However, the Olympic games have an entire connotation with them as an adult that they did not carry as a child. That connotation being laziness.
I don't recall watching the Olympics as a child and feeling particularly lazy. Until now.
I'm not even a very lazy person. But seeing those athletes makes me feel like a bum and how could I NOT be working out for at least two hours every day?
Oh right, a job, a family, a house, excuses excuses the t.v. shouts back at me!
What, you can't properly swim the breast stroke, let alone attempt fly? LAZY
You aren't capable of a simple head stand? LAZY
I am actually too OLD to be a participant in most of the games! How did this happen?!?!
I could move to some random country no one has heard of and qualify that way...maybe my Olympic dreams aren't completely over...I could participate in several very different events due to the lack of participants...I'm pretty sure the qualifications are a lot less stringent on countries like Canada or say, Antarctica...which isn't actually a country but how can we leave out an entire continent?
My floor routine would consist of a lot of chicken dancing and forward rolls b/c I can't do a proper cartwheel. My swimming would be decent, not fast but I could mosey on through it okay. I can ride horses, just leave the jumps out, maybe do a little Judo & Taekwondo, how hard can it be to kick and scream HHIIIIIiiiiIIIII YA!??
Whatever, I'm giving up before I even try. Back to watching the Olympics, on my couch, with a beer. Something the athletes can't do, drink beer. Ha, I'll just take my beer bottle caps and make a necklace and have my own Olympics.
Yuengling for the Gold. Coors light for Silver. Amberbach for Bronze? (Although Coors light tastes like water so really it should be 3rd place but, whateve.)
Monday, August 4, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
If you are as big a fan of The Office as I am, you can probably recognize Michael Scott-isms in any person of authority at your job, and laugh behind his/her back slash also be embarrassed for his/her lack of appropriate behavior.
My boss, while well intentioned, often pulls out inappropriate comments and/or bodily movements at work...that's what she said. Ahem, anyway. It really comes as no surprise anymore to those of us in the office when Boss does things like oh, refer to a fellow co-worker that he dislikes as VD (co-worker's initials) since it stands for veneral disease.
Or instructing us that an employee can go f*&@ themselves if they don't like our answer to their question.
Or flipping people off while on the telephone with them to express dislike for what they are saying.
Or talking about inappropriate sexual ineuendo in reference to his wife, or any other previous sexual partner.
Or talking about how big the peen on his nephew was when he was born followed by "he'll be popular with the ladies". So really none of the following should be shocking...maybe we can blame it on the hormones* that I was offended by this:
Me to FC (female co-worker): So the whole having a baby process weirds Husband out...
Boss (shouts from office): Did you tell him, "yes, it really does stretch that far?!"
Female co-worker and I are having a private discussion, during which Boss barges in and sits down in the middle of my office trying to join in:
Me to FC: So what do you think about _________ (insert work related issue)
FC: Well, I... (interupted by Boss)
Boss: So do you think when you have the baby you'll be like this? (proceeds to hike legs up to waist and act like he is birthing a child)
Boss: So have you thought about what will happen if you go into labor at work?
Me: Well, hopefully that won't happen...
Boss: I guess I'd have to deliver your baby...(then he proceeds into a graphic detailing of when his ex-wife gave birth to his child)
You might think to yourself "helloooo sexual harrassment claim!" but no. I just sit at my desk in horror everytime, hoping my child's ears can't pick up these conversations.
*I am preggers.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
For all you women that lack this innate gene, listen and learn.
- Let's start with the color of the sandal. Platinum can be worn with gold OR silver, that is the beauty of it. Instead of having to buy two pairs of sandals, a gold and a silver pair, I only need to buy this platinum pair.
- Second, and equally as important as color, is the practicallity of the sandal. While they are practical for the dual color use, they are also 100% practical as they can be worn prety much ANYWHERE. I could wear these at work (big plus here ladies), out to dinner, at the beach, while running errands, etc. **The only time I wouldn't wear these is if I was mowing the lawn. And even then, one might argue that you could wear these inside a pair of say, oversized shoes, while you mow (this is pushing it, if you have to go this far to convince your other half, then you need to stop, regroup, and approach the issue from another angle).
- Lastly, is that these sandals are classic. They have been in style for years. While the gold / silver sandal thing is going to go out of style, these are subtle enough in color that they are not "trendy". I can wear these for years, and thus, I have justified the price. If you need to further this argument, do some simple math for your DH. For example, if I bought two pairs of trendy summer sandals every year at say, $20 a pop, well thats $40 a year. In two years, I will break even on my nice Jack Rogers Sandals.
As Christian would say, "Fierce".
As Memaw would say, "Oh lawsy!".
As Michael Scott would say, "That's what she said".
Here is some rationale that you should keep to yourself:
- But sweety, how else are we going to be invited on someone's yacht if I don't own any resort wear?
- I need to show off my pedicure.
- My heels are really damaging my feet and knees. (This only works if you are NEVER going to wear heels again and if your DH is dumb enough to not notice that these sandals offer no arch and heel support what-so-ever).
Feel free to comment with any questions you have. If you have a particular item you are trying to justify and just can't seem to come up with anything, I'd be more than willing to help you out. My consulting fee is very reasonable.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
LS (lil sis): I love Jonas Brothers. I kiss the t.v. for that!
H: Me too! Errr, I mean, who are the Jonas Brothers?
---Browsing stickers at Michael's craft store
LS: I want to put my nickname on the back of my t-shirt.
H: What is your nickname?
H: Um, who calls you that?
LS: No one.
H: Then it's not your nickname.
LS: Well, two people called me that but cause I told them to.
---Discussing our t-shirt designs for the pre-season Titans game we are going to for free courtesy of LP
LS: Can you buy me these glasses? I need them to read.
H: Your mom can buy you glasses if you need them.
LS: She don't got no money.
H: Quit trying to hustle me.
---Being hustled, as usual, when we go in a store.
LS: You got any R&B we can listen to, like Rihanna?
H: Ummmm....R&B?? Maybe??...??
---This being said as we painted t-shirts & she wanted to listen to music.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Of course there are some ugly things too..for example,
Would you make your kid wear this as anything but a joke? Wwell, maybe you would, but if you would, I would guess that you also have a 1980's stang and a mullet with stone-washed jeans...
Overall though, the site is a winner. I'm trying to come up with something crafty that I can make and sell on there. Maybe dog collars. Or those friendship bracelets I used to make in middle school...or...lanyards!!!! Who wouldn't want a lanyard key chain?!
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Have a Cow Pie Facial than...
Eat Cat Poo
Have a Baby Spit Up in Your Mouth or
Shart in Your Pants in Front of a Bunch of People
Please check for a new "Would You Rather" poll coming soon!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Or, reaching for a drink and picking up the Elmer's glue bottle but not realizing that it isn't your drink until you have just touched your lips to the screw-top.
It happens to the best of us, and by us I mean women. Men don't even know what the word multitasking means. They get to the multi and pull a Homer. DUH?
Except that when you get home, it smells so rank you think you are going to vom as soon as you open the front door?
What, no?, this hasn't happened to you?
Oh, well, LUCKY YOU!
Basically, Zoe vom'd and went #2 in her crate while we were at work.
And then it dawned on me, I am not ready for children.
Apparently I'll be the one handing any future children with dirty diapers over to my DH as I could barely stand to be inside, let alone clean up the giant mess that was our dog, her crate, and our breakfast area (yes, it escaped the crate).
But hey, if I have to birth the dang thing, then I suppose it is only fair for him to clean up after it for the first few years...right?
Friday, July 18, 2008
Anywho, check out this crazy ass story: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,385841,00.html
That's right. The two policemen got their boots kicked for telling a tween to pick up her fast food wrapper.
Did I miss something here? Since when does that kind of mandate correlate with a good ole British mob arse kicking?
I imagine the conversation went something like this:
Bluebottle#1 (in a Shakespearean-Age Voice): Young lady, whilt thou please pick up thou garbaaaggee?
Tween: Bugger off arse!
Bluebottle#2: Pick up thou's bloody trash, bloody hell.
Tweens & Older Men Looking to Get Some: (Kick in the nads, jab to the ribs): Take that you ole farts!
Bluebottle#1: (Switching back and forth to cockney) Awww, bloody hell bloke. We got in a barney* with tween girls AGAIN. Oh the shame of it taaaalll! I guess I need to call me barrister.
*Apparently barney is British for fight and bluebottle is slang for cop. You guys should know the other words. If not, go watch "Bridget Jones Diary".
Thursday, July 17, 2008
There is another form of this disease that ends in "Further Compounded by Pending Library Due Dates".
Side Effects include:
- Late Fees
- Excessively adding books to your hold list b/c otherwise you'll forget the title of them
- Frequent trips to the Library
- Sleep Deprivation
Basically, I have a serious problem. I have too many books that I am trying to read at once and I'm not getting far in any of them because I am so distraught over trying to finish them that I end up not wanting to read.
I think I need to focus on the library books. Especially the one with the late fees on it...that I have renewed to stop the late fees from further accumulating.
I also need to acknowledge that I can turn them back in and check them out again. At a later date. When I'm not trying to read four books at once.
That's the problem though. People with this disease, we don't want to turn books back in until we have finished reading them. It gives you a nice sense of accomplishment when you finish a book.
Which basically leads to a whole slew of other problems like, "PTFDYDHTOIOTNFGASCA" (Put The Fork Down, You Don't Have to Overeat In Order to Not Feel Guilty About the Starving Children in Africa).
Maybe I have a slight bit of "OCD" but not enough to get me off my butt and clean my house. It's all mental, it doesn't translate into action. It just causes me stress without ever actually doing anything about it.
This could go on for days, I'll stop here, hopefully you feel better about yourself now after realizing how weird some people are...
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Let's just hope that the cough drops have enough medicine in them to ward off any of the nasty germs she was picking up from that table.
Seriously, what is wrong with people?
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Here's the part where the all the wildlife are supposed to scurry over to me for their close-up. Only they didn't.
And I sat for approximately 10 minutes by a crab hole waiting for the little shit to come out. Except he didn't. Until approximately 30 seconds after I returned to my beach chair.
In case you are reading this little crab man, we are no longer friends and consider yourself lucky if I don't accidentally eat one of your relative's legs.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
So, I was driving home yesterday and heard this song. And I just LOVE this song. I think mainly because of the xylophone in it. It takes me back to pre-school, the days before you were allowed to play a recorder. When you have no worries, and as the song says, "don't stress, don't stress".
That is, I DID love it.
Until I saw the music video. That I watched to post about HOW much I LOVE the song.
And then the old man in me, and in this case father, wanted to scream, "NNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!". Mainly because Jesse McCartney was born in 1987, the same year as my brother, and he has a music video that basically insenuates all kinds of sex.
Nothing says sexy like two tweens rolling around on a mattress without sheets. Only a tween would think that is H-O-T-T HOT b/c I am pretty much thinking, eeewww! Gotta love the close up of the chicks acne at around 2 minutes and again around 2:30.
Are you kidding? Who approved this? What producer thought, "hmm, I know! Let's put Jesse on a bed with an equally looking young girl and have him fake undo her bra...yes, I can totally see it! This will let everyone know that he is no longer the youngest member of Dream Street but a man in his own right!!!!!!!!!!!".
I realized about midway-thru the song, that it is actually, probably, about them having sex. Here is when it dawned on me, as I was bi-bopping along yesterday, I thought, "Hmm, I wonder why after, "don't stress, don't stress", it says, "just tell him to the left, left, left"...
But no, I was wrong about that line. After reading the lyrics, it is actually about him convincing her to leave her current boyfriend. There might be a part two to this b/c I don't have enough room to make fun of the lyrcis.
I'm too old for this. This kid is around Aaron Carter's age. I babysat for kids that liked Aaron Carter. Some of you who read this might even think, "Who IS Aaron Carter?". I'm a twenty-something, you all know this. Aaron Carter is Nick Carter's little brother. As in Backstreet Boys Nick Carter. As in, after The New Kids on The Block, but BEFORE NKOTB decided to return. (Blog on that coming later, probably titled, "Nothing Says Sexy Like Men in Their 30s Tryin' To Make a ComeBack to the Boy Band Scene...")
I know, you all are thinking I have bad taste in music. But please look to your left and you'll see that my player actually has good music on it. I just like to listen to up-beat, fun stuff sometimes. So I can dance around in my car.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
The chord to the iron keeps getting trapped under the giant sheet-like shirt. Then, the shirt is dragging on the floor thus nullifying the entire act of ironing it in the first place.
I wonder if dry cleaners charge extra for giant-people shirts just like they charge extra for ladies' shirts, which is a crock of shit if you ask me. How many women make up the work force now? Like 46% of the total in 2005? (Thank you Department of State webpage). Yea, that is what I thought.
Bingo. I am going to run an expose on the ridiculous amount of money that dry cleaners make on women and then sue them for discriminating. Are you actually telling me that in the 150+* years that the dry cleaner has been around, they couldn't get around to inventing a smaller shirt press for women???!!!*
Alright, I think I have side-tracked enough for one posting.
*Yes, the dry cleaning process has actually been around since the 19th Century. Finding this fact out only infuriated me more. Also, I am all about the rhetorical questions today. Sorry.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Are you serious? What is a non-denominational Baptist? I'm pretty sure John wouldn't be crazy about that.
Nor would Jesus considering she is comparing her plight with LC the same as the persecution that he faced...
I just replied to the MTV message board (http://remotecontrol.mtv.com/2008/06/30/heidi-montag-is-now-making-music-religiously/) saying this:
This is ridiculous. First of all, there is no such thing as a non-denominational Baptist. The very definition of nondenominational is that you don’t affiliate with a denomination, hence the “non” in front of the word.
Don’t even get me started on her comparing her drama with L.C. to the persecution of Jesus Christ. I am pretty sure that those two incidents have ABSOLUTELY nothing in common and that Jesus would agree with me.
I don't normally post on message boards and I think I have been to the MTV website maybe twice so this is big people.
In An Exclusive Interview with Jesus, I asked him the question that is on everyone's minds:
H: So Jesus, how do you feel about Heidi's comment?
Jesus: Interesting that you ask H, I was quite insulted by that comment. I was persecuted for being the son of God and died and rose again to save you all from sin, not b/c my compadres didn't like who I was dating. (which was no one for you ignorant people that got all excited about the FICTIONAL book, The Da Vinci Code). While Heidi might think L.C. is her Judas, the situations were vastly different.
H: Jesus, thank you for your time today and for clearing this up. It has been a pleasure.
And I'm spent.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Fast forward 10 minutes. A light turned on. And that is when I realized I was becoming an old man.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
- Do NOT talk on your cell phone while using the restroom. This is not only rude to the person you are on the phone with, but also to the other people in the restroom. And yes, we ARE judging you and your germ infested cell phone as well as any pot luck food you bring to work.
- Do NOT sit in a stall next to someone unless there are no other stalls available.
- WASH YOUR HANDS - if ONLY for the comfort of those who see you leave with dirty hands. This means soap people, water is not a disinfectant.
- Clean up after yourself. That includes making sure the toilet flushed and not splashing water all over the countertop.
- Rule #2 is not to be discussed. This is an unsaid rule so if you break it, don't explain to the person why you sat next to them. That is just awkward.
And yes, all of these things have happened to me personally and occur regularly at my place of business. Except for #5, that was just the one time.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
I was sitting there, the invisible white girl with the running shorts on, translating the conversation between my little sister's Mom and her neighbors.
Mom to Neighbor: He dun got frrrddd!! GRRRLLLLL.
Me (in my head): What in the H-E-Double "L" did she just say? OOHHH, FIIIRREEDDD!!!! Grrrr? OHHH, GIIIIRRRLLL.
That took 2 minutes.
Neighbor: Doody! Doooooddyy! Sit down!
Me (in my head): Doody? Did she really just call her kid Doody? Well, he is 2 and already sagging his jean shorts...I personally would call him Snoop, what, with the dreads and all.
Oh look, there's the police, that's good that they drive around the neighborhood.
Neighbors Boyfriend / Roomie / Drug Dealer?: F'in po-po. (only he said the real word but I know some of you read this at work)
Me (in my head): Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore. Maybe I could talk about the fact that I tried weed once to fit in with this crowd? Maybe I'd be "down" then. Or maybe I'd be that white girl that tried weed once and now she thinks she fits in. F'in cracker. Yea, or maybe I'll just sit here and keep to myself.
- Write a song about "back where you come from".
- Write a song about 9/11.
- Write a song with some absurd word in it, like "badonkadonk" or "hootchie-coochie".
TA: Yea, "H", you're totally right!
H: Thanks Trace, I know. And btw, do you take whey protein? Because your biceps are OUT OF CONTROL.
And there you have it.*
*It dawned on me, as a spectator at the annual CMA Music Fest, that these three items were essential to the success of every country singer on stage**. That and some stupid t-shirt from L.A. that no real country man would be caught dead in.
**Except for Little Big Town. Because they did a Fleetwood Mac cover instead. That rocked my ever-loving, non-Country arse off.
Is it even possible to have an asterisk within an asterisk? Kind of like a P.S.S. or a mathematical equation with multiple parenthesis??
Oh, and speaking in fake dog voice on behalf of Zoe.
What can I say but I'm really sorry and I'll try and be a better blogger.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Please taste better raw. I don't have time to cook you every night for work the next day. Even if I did cook you, I don't have time to heat you up and eat you as a snack during my work day. And I don't want to eat 3 cups of you, or "3 servinnggsss!" as mypyramid.gov and the director of our fitness center say to do.
Thank you for coming in an easy and affordable to snack on form. However, I am turning orange and my eyesight is NOT getting better. I don't like you anymore and I am ending this friendship. I don't like you cooked either unless you come in a vat of fat surrounded by onions and potatoes and a pot roast.
Dear Bloody Mary,
Hey girl, sup? I heart you. If I drink 3 cups of you, net the vodka, can that count as my 3 servings? Yes indeedy, why thank you! Count down to PeopleWaste, or as the boring people call it, SteepleChase, t-minus 3 days.
Sorry you got such a bad name back in the day but I shore am glad that they made a drink in your honor. Tell Ed and Liz holla!
Dear Italian Food / PF Chang's Leftovers,
See you tonight.
DH: What's a gorken?
DH: What's a gorken?
Me: I don't know what a gorken is, I said I want an orchid.
I find this extremely entertaining. Try it, say "gorken" out loud or in a conversation and see if you can control your hysterics.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Unfortunately, so many of the men that come in for meals have been hurt by the foreclosures because immoral people, aka - many credit lenders, lent them more money than they should have. Please take a moment to thank God, or whoever you thank, for how blessed you are.
Now, here is the funny part, or should I say, ridonkulous part.
A certain co-worker of mine was trying to be friendly and talk to the men that came through the line to get food. Here were some of the things he said:
After a handicap group came in, to a handicap man that came in late, "Are you with that group that just came in?"
"I saw a black Mercedes in the parking lot, someone here must be doing well."
Oh wow. What a moron. The best part was when he started to explain that he had a Nissan, after the Mercedes comment, because Nissan's are such crappy cars??...um, yea, pretty sure they don't even own a car jack a.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
This is a friend of Baby Fish Mouth and soon-to-be Mrs. Splish Splash. These headbands are adorable and really do mimic Blair's in the show. And at only 1/1trillionth of the cost of the real ones that Blair wears!
Unfortunately, I cannot wear headbands with bows because I will look like a 12-yr-old. Seriously. And I don't want my hubby to have to explain to everyone that I am, not, in fact 12, but 20-something, and no, he is not committing any crime.
Monday, April 21, 2008
As soon as was humanly possible I scrambled to the CW site, not a good website btw, and watched all of the posted episodes...backwards...on accident of course. At first I thought it was just a random sampling and by the time I realized they were in order from most recent to oldest I thought, duh.
There were only four episodes online. I almost cried.
Except someone on youtube has all of the episodes posted so I was happy again.
Basically, I spent all day Saturday watching Gossip Girl and loving every millisecond of it.
I haven't felt this kind of obsession over a tween drama since The O.C. Apparently neither have the New York Magazine writers. http://nymag.com/arts/tv/features/46225/
My only concern, since I am adult now, is that the show is geared towards too young of a crowd. I'm sorry but if I caught my 14-yr-old drinking a dirty gin martini she would be in deep shit.* Not to mention the drug use and all of the sex. Who am I kidding? I saw Boogie Nights when I was in 8th grade and it scared the crud out of me. And by it, I mean the giant fake peen at the end. All I'm saying is that I just hope the kids watching this realize that this is a t.v. show and not reality.
Back to my point. I can't wait for the new episode tonight, especially to see what is up with this new Georgina chick. And can I just say that the actors have really cool real names? Blake Lively, Penn Badgley, Leighton Meester? Say Meester out loud and I dare you not to laugh. I guess her Dad is Mr. Meester??!! Bwahahaha.
Saturday I had a revelation. What if I move to New York, enroll in a posh Upper East Side private school, and wear really stylish clothes? I mean, who cares that I'm a twenty-something? I could definitely pass for a junior or senior in high school. This is really a brilliant plan. Who's with me?
*I do not have children and children are not in the near future. Phew, I feel better now.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
I think I am actually speechless.
Oh wait, no I'm not. Are you f'ing kidding me?! I'm going to have to treat this like a powerpoint slide b/c I'm getting all riled up.
- Much as 1+1 = 2 and a+b = c; ridiculous+donkey = redonkulous; cheap+heinous+trashy = heidiwood
- The only person to successfully make a play on "Hollywood" is the Queen of the South herself, Ms. Dolly Parton's theme park, Dollywood. Get your own damn name Heidi, you aren't cool enough or famous enough to copy that.
Here is a haiku if you don't get it:
Heidi designs Clothes
Fugly Strippers Terrible
Someone Please Stop Her
Here is a visual if you STILL don't get it:
Word on the street, aka - go fug yourself, is that all of the runway models were Heidi look-a-likes. Ugh, I just vomited a little bit in my mouth as I typed that.
Someone needs to get control of this girl. I'm fine with her being a cast member on The Hills but this, this has gotten out of hand.
In fact, I see a class-action lawsuit against MTV for creating such a monster. They really should screen their potential reality t.v. stars for things like this.
As my grandmother would say, "Oh lawsy!".
As Christian would say, "This is NOT fierce".
As New York Magazine said, "It was bad. So bad".
My apologies if you now need lasik due to the heinousity of this post.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Anywho, I was smote upon this morning. By an apple cinnamon bagel and a small serving of fruit. I now know what diaper rash must feel like. How is it possible that those two things can inflict so much damage and pain? It must just be my weak intestines. Intestines or sooo over-rated, especially ones that don't work very well.
Maybe I'll go on a liquid diet so I never experience this again. Who are we kidding? It was probably the buffalo chicken pizza I had last night and the pineapple just triggered it this morning.
Maybe I'll sue the pizza place and bagel place for causing unwarranted bodily pain. Then, with my winnings, er, I mean, settlement, I'll start a company that makes diaper rash ointment for adults and call it "Anusil".
Seriously, who came up with the name Vagisil anyway? Worst name ever. As if you don't feel uncomfortable enough, you have to purchase something that says to everyone what is wrong with you.
Ex-nay on the "Anusil". I'm going to call it "Cloud 9" because that is where you will be after you use it.
*Disclaimer - My apologies if I have divulged too much but you all should be used to it by now.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
One time, I saw, with my very own eyes, a dog-humping train! I'm not even kidding. Think back to middle school when you and your girlfriends would sit in a train and braid each other's hair. Now, imagine dogs instead of girlfriends and humps instead of braids...not such a pretty picture.
Back to my story. I immediately called my Mom and told her that I had very bad news and that her dog is a lesbian. She freaked when I said bad news and then got mad because I was just messing with her. I had a good chuckle.
Fast forward to last night. Bosbia brought her parents dog over last night and Zoe and her would not stop making out. This is even worse than humping. They kept french kissing each other dog-style. (Basically this entails a lot of licking each others teeth and mouths) I'm hoping that Zoe was just thirsty and was licking off Tyra's slobber and that they had something on their teeth that tasted good.
Moral of the Story: Don't call anyone's dog a lesbian or else ye shall be cast down upon with a lesbian creature and be smote* upon.
*I have NO idea what smote means or if it is a word but I'm going to start saying it on a semi-regular basis.
Monday, April 14, 2008
If I could take back time, I would go back to Friday Happy Hour and eat something. I CANNOT believe I did something so incredibly stupid. I know this rule, I have spent many years convincing others to follow this rule and then I go and ignore it.
What is even more upsetting is that I am no longer in college. Killing a Saturday is one of the most painful things for me. Such a waste.
Ugh, I think I told an old high school acquaintance that I was a swinger. This was after about 30 minutes of trying to get him to go away. Once I realized he wouldn't, I resorted to entertaining myself.
Basically, I'm really too old to be acting like this. I have responsibilities, like a dog. And a house. If it weren't for my other half, my dog would have shat all over the house due to my inability to rise from the dead until 5PM.
If there were a chalkboard nearby, I would write on it:
I vow not to drink without eating and will exhibit self-control when drinking with the ultimate goal of no more than a slight headache for a hangover. x's a G.
Let this be a lesson to all of you.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
I've decided that I want to start keeping some candy at my desk for a little snack for my comrades. However, candy is expensive so I'm just going to take the candy out of her dish and put it in mine.
This is very amusing to me. I know she'll flip and I can't wait.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
If I Should Die Before I wake,
Its cause you took my breath away.
Losing you is like living in a world with no air.
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air.
Can't live, can't breathe with no air.
That's how I feel whenever you ain't there.
There's No Air No Air.
And so on.
I could comment on the whole song but that would take all day. Let's focus on the first verse and chorus.
I'm a fifth grader at Tweens R Us Elementary and I really love your new song with Chris Brown. My Mommy let's me listen to it on 107.5 The River on the way to school in her mini van.
Right now we are learning about the Earth in my science class and I think you should know that you can't actually live without air. Duh. (Are kids still saying "duh"??) Also, I can't tell you how to breathe without air because, again, you can't. Doy. Even fish get air under the water, I just learned that in science class too. And I learned in English class that "ain't" isn't a proper word.
Little Girl Concerned About Your Education,
PS - Maybe you should finish school instead of singing.
Seriously Jordin, listen to little Smashley. You should really use a little more scrutiny when selecting songs. Even if they do make it on Ryan Seacrest's American Top 40.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Thank you for your interest in the Pee Wee Herman Fan Club, SouthEast Chapter. Unfortunately, at this time, we are full to the brim with members. Please contact the SouthWest Chapter to see if you would qualify for membership there.
We generally do not include states that were involved in the Louisiana Purchase in our Regional Chapter. Basically, Pee Wee was very against the purchase, something about him being for Napoleon's domination of the United States. It's a very touchy subject. You may have to register in another state so he doesn't know that you're a Texan.
President of the Pee Wee Herman Fan Club
Co-President of the Ayn Rand "Get Your Giant Hands off of my Business and Mind Your Own Beeswax" Non-Profit promoting the Laissez-Faire approach to business. Please see our ad on PBS and radio promotion by Terry Gross's Fresh Air on NPR.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
- The groomsmen, and groom, wear their cowboy boots with their tuxes.
- Somehow, a horseshoe is involved.
- Country music is in the ceremony, yes - ceremony.
- The reception is in the church gym, possibly with the horseshoes.
- Leave on a four-wheeler. Preferrably splattered with mud.
This analysis is based on an actual wedding, my cousin's to be precise. Further research was conducted with other family members, including an aunt that temporarily relocated to East Texas, and witnessed several weddings with a similiar motif.
Basically, you can't make this shit up.
I can't stop laughing. Every time I see this poor little guy's ugly mug, I bend over with hysteric giggles. I really hope he gets adopted. Can you imagine seeing this dog being walked? I think it might actually have a gotee. Oh man, okay, maybe this isn't as funny to everyone else but I just love the happiness this guy brings to my dull work day.
Happy Hump Day!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
I mean really? These guys are all friends? What a trio. I wonder what they talk about, I imagine the conversation goes something like this:
Pee Wee - Hey Manuel, do you think you could make me one of your awesome rhinestone studded jackets for the new Pee Wee Herman movie that I am working on? (He really is working on one btw)
Manuel - Si, I would love to.
Jack - Oh! Oh! I want one too! But mine has to be in black, white and red because those are the only colors I wear on stage.
Pee Wee - Cowboy Curtis would probably like a jacket too, just make sure it is jheri curl proof.
Jack - Yea, and make one for my ex-wife/sister whose surname I took and now use for my second marriage and our children instead of my actual last name which is Gillis.
Yea, I don't know. I have a bit of an imagination. Anyway, seeing Pee Wee was way more awesome than any of the other famous people I have seen (including the likes of Faith and Tim and my favorite - Dolly)
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Other things birds can do better than me:
- Eat sunflower seeds
- Poop mid-air
Oh well, at least I have tomorrow off.
Monday, March 17, 2008
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were bothmarried to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleepingroom on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed anduneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleepquickly...He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the womansaying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reachinto the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.''I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let'spretend that we're married.
''Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fuckin blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Friday, March 14, 2008
2. Next is the purchasing of "feminine products". Now, some young girls were lucky enough to have their mothers do this on their behalf. Having a mother that wanted to instill independence, I was not so lucky.
When you are in middle school, and even some times into adulthood (ahem, Simpson), this is mortifying. There is nothing like walking around a grocery store when you are 13 with a box of pads and tampons in front of a bunch of people announcing to the world, "I am on my period and I have reached puberty. I am woman". Thank God for whoever created self-scan.
3. Continuing, two-pieces. I think we can all say we have suffered some sort of embarrassing moment from a minimal coverage bathing suit. Thankfully, all of mine have been underwater.
4. Staying in the same realm, the first pap smear. This is obviously an invention from man. I'll never forget seeing the salad-tosser-like probe going towards my privates. I was 15 and I was scared for my life. My Mom DID NOT warn me, maybe it was for the best.
5. My latest "adventure" included the purchase of some Monistat. Nothing says sexy like a yeast infection. Unfort. my cart was way over 15 items. As I frantically scanned the checkout aisles for a female-female pairing, I realized I was doomed. Should I pick a male scanner and a female bagger or a female scanner and a male bagger?? I went for the former. I don't want no tween boy handling my personal goods and laughing to himself making fish jokes.
Damn that Eve.
From what I hear, it only gets worse. I am seriously going to have a surrogate carry my child. A woman can only handle so much. I was already cursed with teeth that are like magnets to broccoli, the last thing I need is a room full of residents staring at my hoo-ha as I deliver my first born.
It is no wonder women are, in all reality, the backbone of the family.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
We got 20" flat screen monitors at work.
You have no idea how exciting this is until you work in an office, in a cubicle, with no line of sight to the weather outside and co-workers that clip their nails at their desk.
I guess you can see how this is a life change now.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
For starters, this is their main cheer:
V-A-N-D-Y VANDY VANDY VANDY OH HELL YEA
Where do I even start? Oh yea, here:
You would think for $35K+ a year, those smug little brats could come up with a better cheer than that.
The school gave out bandanna's at the game...which many of the students promptly wore as "doo rags". Once again, I'm pretty sure at $35K+ a year, you are anything but a thug and you would probably pee your pants if you ever stayed in the ghetto longer than a red light.
Basically what I'm trying to say is that Vanderbilt sucks and my husband and I will be seeking an annulment after he decided to sing the alma mater despite the glaring fact that he:
- Didn't know the words and had to read the screen.
- Went to undergrad elsewhere nullifying his loyalty to Vanderbilt.
- Is a fair-weather fan.
OH, and last time I checked, mascots aren't supposed to have wrinkles...
Friday, February 22, 2008
OMELETTE Let's use it in a sentence:
'I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide.'
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
- My Super Sweet Sixteen - I don't normally watch this horrendous show but on a very slow Saturday I watched three of them...in a row...followed by High School Musical...back to my point. This girl decided that part of her party would be a break dance performance and had a coach show her some "moves". If she can breakdance, then so can I.
- Step Up 2 - The Streets - I found the sequel to have an even worse story line than the first BUT, the dancing was WAY better / awesomer.
I'm trying to decide if I want to purchase one of those dance videos or go to a dance class. I'm thinking I will purchase a video because the thought of trying to do that stuff in front of a bunch of people is embarrassing. Plus, if the teacher wants us to "free style", things would turn ugly REAL fast.
Meanwhile, I've just been practicing in front of the mirror in my guest room. I'm pretty sure my yoga class is a segue to break dancing as well considering we do head stands and try to balance our entire bodies on our elbows.
My ultimate goal is the dance scene in the rain and a 2 pack. Oh, and I want everyone to start calling me Jazz, as in jazzy fresh. The name just really encompasses what people will think of when I dance for them.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
- He is from Morristown, TN but speaks with a British accent (and sings with one).
- He is living out of his car with no explanation as to why...his family does not know this.
- He cries way way way too much.
- He performed HORRIBLY in his last audition and they still passed him! Completely not fair to other contestants.
- Again, he cries like a little girl causing me to shut my eyes and put my hands over my ears singing, "lalalalala" until he is done crying. I can't watch or listen to such embarassing behavior.
I digress. Sorry this post isn't funny, please see below video to make up for it:
You have to copy and paste it b/c the embedding is disabled. It will be worth it though, especially for all us daughters that have goofy Mom's.
Friday, February 8, 2008
This little jewel is from Zac Posen. By jewel, I mean ugly rock that should have stayed in the mountain. Please tell me that the 1800s plantation style dresses are not making a come back.
This is another fug from Zac. I really didn't like ANY of his stuff. I mean, what the crud is this? A tux jacket, a ladies blouse, a see-through nightie?