Friday, April 25, 2008


Today at the Fitness Center in my office:

Dude: "If we're not careful, were going to get in shape."

Me: "Ha, yea..."

5 minutes later I look over and see him checking out his abs.

Side note: He is definitely in his 40's and he definitely goes to the tanning bed. Ew.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Just A Normal Day at the Dog Park

Apparently there is an adult version of jinx that I was previously unaware of...

After the hubby and I said the same thing at the same time, he said:

"Jinx! You owe me a Coke...(audible pause)...and sex!"

Eh, you win some, you lose some.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

"H" is for Humble

Today we spent part of our work day volunteering at the Men's Mission serving lunch. Talk about appreciating what you have. The mission is a really great non-profit that requires everyone that comes into any of their programs, whether to get their GED or get off drugs, to attend church.

Unfortunately, so many of the men that come in for meals have been hurt by the foreclosures because immoral people, aka - many credit lenders, lent them more money than they should have. Please take a moment to thank God, or whoever you thank, for how blessed you are.

Now, here is the funny part, or should I say, ridonkulous part.

A certain co-worker of mine was trying to be friendly and talk to the men that came through the line to get food. Here were some of the things he said:

"You hungry?"

After a handicap group came in, to a handicap man that came in late, "Are you with that group that just came in?"

"I saw a black Mercedes in the parking lot, someone here must be doing well."

Oh wow. What a moron. The best part was when he started to explain that he had a Nissan, after the Mercedes comment, because Nissan's are such crappy cars??, yea, pretty sure they don't even own a car jack a.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The Head Bandit

For all you Gossip Girl lovers, check it:

This is a friend of Baby Fish Mouth and soon-to-be Mrs. Splish Splash. These headbands are adorable and really do mimic Blair's in the show. And at only 1/1trillionth of the cost of the real ones that Blair wears!

Unfortunately, I cannot wear headbands with bows because I will look like a 12-yr-old. Seriously. And I don't want my hubby to have to explain to everyone that I am, not, in fact 12, but 20-something, and no, he is not committing any crime.

Monday, April 21, 2008

OD - Obsession Delayed

I caught the tale end of Episode 13, The Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate. I was obsessed.

As soon as was humanly possible I scrambled to the CW site, not a good website btw, and watched all of the posted episodes...backwards...on accident of course. At first I thought it was just a random sampling and by the time I realized they were in order from most recent to oldest I thought, duh.

There were only four episodes online. I almost cried.

Except someone on youtube has all of the episodes posted so I was happy again.

Basically, I spent all day Saturday watching Gossip Girl and loving every millisecond of it.

I haven't felt this kind of obsession over a tween drama since The O.C. Apparently neither have the New York Magazine writers.

My only concern, since I am adult now, is that the show is geared towards too young of a crowd. I'm sorry but if I caught my 14-yr-old drinking a dirty gin martini she would be in deep shit.* Not to mention the drug use and all of the sex. Who am I kidding? I saw Boogie Nights when I was in 8th grade and it scared the crud out of me. And by it, I mean the giant fake peen at the end. All I'm saying is that I just hope the kids watching this realize that this is a t.v. show and not reality.

Back to my point. I can't wait for the new episode tonight, especially to see what is up with this new Georgina chick. And can I just say that the actors have really cool real names? Blake Lively, Penn Badgley, Leighton Meester? Say Meester out loud and I dare you not to laugh. I guess her Dad is Mr. Meester??!! Bwahahaha.

Saturday I had a revelation. What if I move to New York, enroll in a posh Upper East Side private school, and wear really stylish clothes? I mean, who cares that I'm a twenty-something? I could definitely pass for a junior or senior in high school. This is really a brilliant plan. Who's with me?

*I do not have children and children are not in the near future. Phew, I feel better now.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Heidiwood - A True Story about a Nightmare that became Reality


I think I am actually speechless.

Oh wait, no I'm not. Are you f'ing kidding me?! I'm going to have to treat this like a powerpoint slide b/c I'm getting all riled up.

  1. Much as 1+1 = 2 and a+b = c; ridiculous+donkey = redonkulous; cheap+heinous+trashy = heidiwood

  2. The only person to successfully make a play on "Hollywood" is the Queen of the South herself, Ms. Dolly Parton's theme park, Dollywood. Get your own damn name Heidi, you aren't cool enough or famous enough to copy that.

  3. LAME

Here is a haiku if you don't get it:

Heidi designs Clothes
Fugly Strippers Terrible
Someone Please Stop Her

Here is a visual if you STILL don't get it:

Word on the street, aka - go fug yourself, is that all of the runway models were Heidi look-a-likes. Ugh, I just vomited a little bit in my mouth as I typed that.

Someone needs to get control of this girl. I'm fine with her being a cast member on The Hills but this, this has gotten out of hand.

In fact, I see a class-action lawsuit against MTV for creating such a monster. They really should screen their potential reality t.v. stars for things like this.

As my grandmother would say, "Oh lawsy!".

As Christian would say, "This is NOT fierce".

As New York Magazine said, "It was bad. So bad".

My apologies if you now need lasik due to the heinousity of this post.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


I just looked up smote and I used it correctly. Odd that my brain somehow remembers the word "smote" but not other more useful things like to take my allergy medicine everyday.

Anywho, I was smote upon this morning. By an apple cinnamon bagel and a small serving of fruit. I now know what diaper rash must feel like. How is it possible that those two things can inflict so much damage and pain? It must just be my weak intestines. Intestines or sooo over-rated, especially ones that don't work very well.

Maybe I'll go on a liquid diet so I never experience this again. Who are we kidding? It was probably the buffalo chicken pizza I had last night and the pineapple just triggered it this morning.

Maybe I'll sue the pizza place and bagel place for causing unwarranted bodily pain. Then, with my winnings, er, I mean, settlement, I'll start a company that makes diaper rash ointment for adults and call it "Anusil".

Seriously, who came up with the name Vagisil anyway? Worst name ever. As if you don't feel uncomfortable enough, you have to purchase something that says to everyone what is wrong with you.

Ex-nay on the "Anusil". I'm going to call it "Cloud 9" because that is where you will be after you use it.

*Disclaimer - My apologies if I have divulged too much but you all should be used to it by now.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

What Goes Around Really DOES Come Back Around

A couple months ago we dog sat my Mom and Step-Dad's little miniature schnauzer. My dog has been around their dog, Daisy, several times. Needless to say, I was BIT surprised when Daisy started humping my poor Zoe. Zoe DOES NOT like to be humped. Thank goodness because there are some questionable dogs at the dog park.

One time, I saw, with my very own eyes, a dog-humping train! I'm not even kidding. Think back to middle school when you and your girlfriends would sit in a train and braid each other's hair. Now, imagine dogs instead of girlfriends and humps instead of braids...not such a pretty picture.

Back to my story. I immediately called my Mom and told her that I had very bad news and that her dog is a lesbian. She freaked when I said bad news and then got mad because I was just messing with her. I had a good chuckle.

Fast forward to last night. Bosbia brought her parents dog over last night and Zoe and her would not stop making out. This is even worse than humping. They kept french kissing each other dog-style. (Basically this entails a lot of licking each others teeth and mouths) I'm hoping that Zoe was just thirsty and was licking off Tyra's slobber and that they had something on their teeth that tasted good.

Moral of the Story: Don't call anyone's dog a lesbian or else ye shall be cast down upon with a lesbian creature and be smote* upon.

*I have NO idea what smote means or if it is a word but I'm going to start saying it on a semi-regular basis.


She finally noticed that her candy dish was missing...yesterday. As in, several days after the fact. She is going around questioning everyone and I couldn't help but snicker yesterday when I heard her asking people. She didn't ask most of my row so I'm in the clear. Luckily. I would have laughed if she asked.

Monday, April 14, 2008


In case anyone that reads this doesn't know already, NEVER EVER drink on an empty stomach.

If I could take back time, I would go back to Friday Happy Hour and eat something. I CANNOT believe I did something so incredibly stupid. I know this rule, I have spent many years convincing others to follow this rule and then I go and ignore it.

What is even more upsetting is that I am no longer in college. Killing a Saturday is one of the most painful things for me. Such a waste.

Ugh, I think I told an old high school acquaintance that I was a swinger. This was after about 30 minutes of trying to get him to go away. Once I realized he wouldn't, I resorted to entertaining myself.

Basically, I'm really too old to be acting like this. I have responsibilities, like a dog. And a house. If it weren't for my other half, my dog would have shat all over the house due to my inability to rise from the dead until 5PM.

If there were a chalkboard nearby, I would write on it:

I vow not to drink without eating and will exhibit self-control when drinking with the ultimate goal of no more than a slight headache for a hangover. x's a G.

Let this be a lesson to all of you.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

A Little Office Humor Never Hurt Anyone

One of my co-workers is excellent to play little office pranks on. Past pranks include tampering with her phone so that she hears the person talking but they can't hear her. Another time, a co-worker somehow got to her lunch and took a bite out of her apple and just left it there, bite and all.

I've decided that I want to start keeping some candy at my desk for a little snack for my comrades. However, candy is expensive so I'm just going to take the candy out of her dish and put it in mine.

This is very amusing to me. I know she'll flip and I can't wait.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Jordin Does It Again, But, Without Air?

I'm not sure who Jordin has writing her songs but well, wow. She has done it again, another horrible song with a catchy tune.

No Air

If I Should Die Before I wake,
Its cause you took my breath away.
Losing you is like living in a world with no air.

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air.
Can't live, can't breathe with no air.
That's how I feel whenever you ain't there.
There's No Air No Air.

And so on.

I could comment on the whole song but that would take all day. Let's focus on the first verse and chorus.

Dear Jordin,
I'm a fifth grader at Tweens R Us Elementary and I really love your new song with Chris Brown. My Mommy let's me listen to it on 107.5 The River on the way to school in her mini van.

Right now we are learning about the Earth in my science class and I think you should know that you can't actually live without air. Duh. (Are kids still saying "duh"??) Also, I can't tell you how to breathe without air because, again, you can't. Doy. Even fish get air under the water, I just learned that in science class too. And I learned in English class that "ain't" isn't a proper word.

Little Girl Concerned About Your Education,
Smashley Boyner

PS - Maybe you should finish school instead of singing.

Seriously Jordin, listen to little Smashley. You should really use a little more scrutiny when selecting songs. Even if they do make it on Ryan Seacrest's American Top 40.

The World.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Pee Wee Saga Continued

Dear Mr. H,
Thank you for your interest in the Pee Wee Herman Fan Club, SouthEast Chapter. Unfortunately, at this time, we are full to the brim with members. Please contact the SouthWest Chapter to see if you would qualify for membership there.

We generally do not include states that were involved in the Louisiana Purchase in our Regional Chapter. Basically, Pee Wee was very against the purchase, something about him being for Napoleon's domination of the United States. It's a very touchy subject. You may have to register in another state so he doesn't know that you're a Texan.

Best Regards,
Mrs. H.
President of the Pee Wee Herman Fan Club
SouthEast Chapter


Co-President of the Ayn Rand "Get Your Giant Hands off of my Business and Mind Your Own Beeswax" Non-Profit promoting the Laissez-Faire approach to business. Please see our ad on PBS and radio promotion by Terry Gross's Fresh Air on NPR.

Thursday, April 3, 2008


My Dad called me last night and left a message acting like he was a potential new member for the Pee Wee Herman fan club and had heard that I was the President and he would like to join. He even told me his phone number so that I could call him back.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008


How to Have a TRUE Texas Wedding:
  1. The groomsmen, and groom, wear their cowboy boots with their tuxes.
  2. Somehow, a horseshoe is involved.
  3. Country music is in the ceremony, yes - ceremony.
  4. The reception is in the church gym, possibly with the horseshoes.
  5. Leave on a four-wheeler. Preferrably splattered with mud.


This analysis is based on an actual wedding, my cousin's to be precise. Further research was conducted with other family members, including an aunt that temporarily relocated to East Texas, and witnessed several weddings with a similiar motif.

Basically, you can't make this shit up.

Poor Little Bugger

So, I periodically check the Love at First Sight website for cute puppies. Enter RueRue.

I can't stop laughing. Every time I see this poor little guy's ugly mug, I bend over with hysteric giggles. I really hope he gets adopted. Can you imagine seeing this dog being walked? I think it might actually have a gotee. Oh man, okay, maybe this isn't as funny to everyone else but I just love the happiness this guy brings to my dull work day.

Happy Hump Day!