Thursday, March 27, 2008

The Word of the Day Is...

I nonchalantly went to happy hour last night at a local establishment. What I was about to see was something incredible...

Pee Wee Herman (Paul Reubens)


Jack White (The White Stripes)


Manuel (An older designer who does all of the country star's rhinestone style jackets)

I still cannot believe it. Apparently Jack White lives here. Pee Wee has a sister who is a prominent lawyer in the area and is also a professor at Vanderbilt's Law School, who knew right?! I must find this lady and ask her what it is like being Pee Wee's sister. Sure, embarassing at times, but still AWESOME.

I really really wanted to get a picture with Pee Wee but I'm a firm believer in not harassing famous people because I am sure it gets annoying. I can't tell you how many Saturday mornings I would watch Pee Wee's Playhouse with my Dad. And the Movies! Who can forget the movies?!

Ah, memories. Even though Pee Wee has somewhat of a perverted past, he still reminds me of my sweet childhood when I didn't have a care in the world and for that I will always love him.

Anyway, back to last night. The craziest part about the evening was not even seeing them but the fact that they are all friends. Please see below pictures so you can see what I mean:

I mean really? These guys are all friends? What a trio. I wonder what they talk about, I imagine the conversation goes something like this:

Pee Wee - Hey Manuel, do you think you could make me one of your awesome rhinestone studded jackets for the new Pee Wee Herman movie that I am working on? (He really is working on one btw)

Manuel - Si, I would love to.

Jack - Oh! Oh! I want one too! But mine has to be in black, white and red because those are the only colors I wear on stage.

Pee Wee - Cowboy Curtis would probably like a jacket too, just make sure it is jheri curl proof.

Jack - Yea, and make one for my ex-wife/sister whose surname I took and now use for my second marriage and our children instead of my actual last name which is Gillis.


Yea, I don't know. I have a bit of an imagination. Anyway, seeing Pee Wee was way more awesome than any of the other famous people I have seen (including the likes of Faith and Tim and my favorite - Dolly)

Thursday, March 20, 2008

B is for Bad Ass Bird

Damnit, I really can't stand when birds can do things better than I can. Take this ostrich for instance, how is it freaking possible that a giant ostrich is such a good skier? It doesn't even have strong leg muscles!

Other things birds can do better than me:

  1. Sing
  2. Eat sunflower seeds
  3. Poop mid-air
  4. Fish

Oh well, at least I have tomorrow off.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Love It

I love romantic stories....

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were bothmarried to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleepingroom on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed anduneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleepquickly...He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the womansaying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reachinto the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.''I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let'spretend that we're married.

''Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fuckin blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

Friday, March 14, 2008

"W" is for, "Are you Freaking Kidding Me?"

I have a theory that women endure more embarrassing moments in their lives then men. Let me give you some examples.

1. It all starts with puberty. Unlike guys, boobs are right out there for everyone to see. So, pretty much everyone can tell if you have hit puberty or not. Sure sure, guys voices change, big deal.

2. Next is the purchasing of "feminine products". Now, some young girls were lucky enough to have their mothers do this on their behalf. Having a mother that wanted to instill independence, I was not so lucky.

When you are in middle school, and even some times into adulthood (ahem, Simpson), this is mortifying. There is nothing like walking around a grocery store when you are 13 with a box of pads and tampons in front of a bunch of people announcing to the world, "I am on my period and I have reached puberty. I am woman". Thank God for whoever created self-scan.

3. Continuing, two-pieces. I think we can all say we have suffered some sort of embarrassing moment from a minimal coverage bathing suit. Thankfully, all of mine have been underwater.

4. Staying in the same realm, the first pap smear. This is obviously an invention from man. I'll never forget seeing the salad-tosser-like probe going towards my privates. I was 15 and I was scared for my life. My Mom DID NOT warn me, maybe it was for the best.

5. My latest "adventure" included the purchase of some Monistat. Nothing says sexy like a yeast infection. Unfort. my cart was way over 15 items. As I frantically scanned the checkout aisles for a female-female pairing, I realized I was doomed. Should I pick a male scanner and a female bagger or a female scanner and a male bagger?? I went for the former. I don't want no tween boy handling my personal goods and laughing to himself making fish jokes.

Damn that Eve.

From what I hear, it only gets worse. I am seriously going to have a surrogate carry my child. A woman can only handle so much. I was already cursed with teeth that are like magnets to broccoli, the last thing I need is a room full of residents staring at my hoo-ha as I deliver my first born.

It is no wonder women are, in all reality, the backbone of the family.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Life Change

Yesterday was a big day for me.

We got 20" flat screen monitors at work.

You have no idea how exciting this is until you work in an office, in a cubicle, with no line of sight to the weather outside and co-workers that clip their nails at their desk.

I guess you can see how this is a life change now.