Thursday, January 31, 2008

My Roommate...for LIFE

This morning Dave told me that our dog is happy to be in America. I said, "What?". (I heard him, I was just slightly thrown off by such a random observation) He acted like he hadn't just said anything. I said, "Don't pretend like you didn't just make a weird comment and I don't think she realizes which country she is in". He proceeded to tell me her life wouldn't be as good if she were in another country like Iraq.

And then he got in the shower and started singing Promiscuous Girl.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008


So, I had a very productive morning today at the dentist. In a span of 30 minutes, I learned how to:
  • properly cut an onion
  • properly clean a head of lettuce
  • properly make a dry martini

All thanks to Martha Stewart being on Good Morning America.

I also had a revelation in the dentist hygienists should also be able to wax eyebrows. I mean why not? You are already laying down and they have those bright lights just like my wax lady. This is a really good idea, almost as good as Kramer's idea of a make-your-own-pizza pizza restaurant.

Upon departing the dentist, I promptly drove to Starbucks to de-whiten my teeth. Actually, I just wanted some coffee but I'm sure it slightly counter-acted the work they did.

Donate Rice!

This website is really cool: I stole this from Bosbia's website but I'm allowed to do that because she put a link I gave her on her website.

Speaking of which: I was 50%.

If you can't tell, my work day is going by really slowly, I glanced around and everyone is browsing, I don't feel as guilty now about writing in my blog...maybe I should, but I don't.

Now, On To More Important Things

Another hit song, "Get Low", has come to my attention, and I have to admit, I really like the song, the lyrics, well, I don't even know half of the words so now I don't feel as bad about not being able to sing along. Regardless, I find that the chorus and the made up chorus I wrote below are a sad parody to my college years and my current working years.

The "Real" Chorus:
Get Low
Shawty had them Apple Bottom Jeans [Jeans]
Boots with the fur [With the fur]
The whole club was lookin at her
She hit the flo [She hit the flo]
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low low low low low

Them baggy sweat pants
And the Reeboks with the straps [With the straps]
She turned around and gave that big booty a smack [Ayy]
She hit the flo [She hit the flo]
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low low low low low

My Chorus:
Shawty had them Limited pants
Flats with the arch support*
The whole office was lookin at her
She stared at the wall
Next thing you know
Shawty got bored bored bored

Them baggy sweaters*
And the Liz Claiborne heels with the flex*
She turned around and gave that computer a whack
She stared at the wall
Next thing you know
Shawty got bored bored bored

*Disclaimer: My running shoes are the only shoes I own, unfortunately, with arch support. I do not wear baggy sweaters nor do I own a pair of the Liz Claiborne flex shoes, they do look tempting though (not to the eye, to the feet). The chorus is a bit of an exaggeration but so are most chorus's. However, I really do despise working in a cubicle and I only own one pair of Limited work pants b/c I find that they are typically overpriced and made of cheap material (Banana Republic I heart you).

Side note: When I spell checked this post, almost the entire chorus came up.

Baby Bro

My baby bro is in the paper...again. That smug little bastard, I am only ahead of him by one article regarding number of times in a paper. Oh well, it is still cool that he is in it. He is not a senior though, he is a soph. At least his articles are about the environment and crud, mine are about, well, me. Haha.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

That Girl

Does anyone remember life without a straightener? As I was getting ready for work the other day, it dawned on me, what did I do prior to owning a / using Simpson's, straightener? Ohhhh, that's right, the ROUND BRUSH, aka - my bicep's / tricep's / forearm's / deltoid's arch nemesis.

The round brush is horrible for many many reasons including the immense amount of time it takes to do, the fact that it did not get my hair completely straight or de-frizzed due to a decent amount of natural wave in my hair, and the burning sensation in my arms from holding them up which ultimately resulted in sweating which meant more time drying my subsequently sweaty head. After doing a google image search of round brush + hair styles, this picture of Jessica Alba popped up with a blurb about how to achieve her hair style with a round brush. Um yea, pretty sure my hair NEVER looked like that after round brushing, even when the hair cut lady styled it.

When it comes to doing my hair, I take the shortest route possible to publicly acceptable hair. For me, this means a blow dry and quick straighten. I cannot fathom how people blow dry, straighten, and then curl their hair. See picture to the left to see one of my most beloved possessions. When, knock on wood, it dies, I will definitely be holding a funeral service for it along with having a morning period during which I will purchase another chi.

Part of my hair troubles stems from a love of sleep, I really have no desire to get up any earlier than I have to to fix my hair. I am also pretty bad at keeping up with hair cuts which means that right now my bangs look like they were removed from Kelly Kapowski's head. Don't worry my fashionista friends, I am getting a bang trim manana.

Whew, I am soo glad those round brush days are over. Now, if only I could have the Jetson's shower and hair dresser machines I would be set.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Dave Ramsey

I'm pretty bored right now, so I'm listening to the Dave Ramsey show online and plotting my entrance into the investment world. Stocks are low, perfect time to buy. That said, give me your money so I can play with it and learn how to do this.

If I were an investor, I know I would be really good at it b/c I would have really cute and stylish work clothes (b/c I would get paid more and could afford them) and cute clothes make me work better. I'd also be really good at wining and dining my clients and I'm somewhat cultured so I could sound decently intelligent in conversations that require that sort of thing.

Also, give me some money for golf lessons b/c if I am really going to do this I need to learn how to play golf which I am pretty much terrible at. That and I find the learning process for golf incredibly boring. Why can't business people make deals over a nice long run? That, I can do.

Oh, I wrote another song, I know everyone has been biting at the bit to hear it so...

MMmm yeaaaa
I love the way you swing that club
Actin' all coy

Lookin' all cute in your spikes
Tiger woods without the blasian
You know how to work it
Let me get the grass stains out ya shirt

I love when my man play golf
Wearin' those preppy clothes
Lacoste, Ping, Vineyard Vines, Polo,
Just let me get you solo

Other verses coming later. Peace.


So, I almost just lost my blog forever to the Arabic world. I thought it would be funny to write a post in Arabic except that it changed EVERYTHING to Arabic and I had to just keep clicking stuff to try and find the change language option. This would not have been as difficult if Arabic was not read right to left! Holy S. This is probably funnier to me then to the readers.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

"F" is for Fug

In case any of you are not familiar with this blog: , well you suck and go read it now. It is pretty hysterical. While I try not to make it a habit of making fun of people, stars are excluded. This is because they are:

a) normally attractive
b) wealthy
c) get free designer clothes
d) take nice vacations (this could be considered a sub-category of "b" but it's not so get over it)
e) have people do their hair and makeup
f) all of the other things I didn't think about b/c I had a couple margs at dinner and am getting very sleepy.

In case you can't tell, I like lists. Lists are great b/c, if done correctly, they are to the point, unless I am writing them and feel like rambling, and they cut out the fluff. Did you follow that sentence? If you did, good job b/c I had trouble following it when I re-read it. Also, you don't suck any more.

Mitt Romney

Here are the reasons you should vote for Mitt Romney:
  1. He has five very attractive sons.
  2. He looks presidential (according to several of my friends).
  3. He has five very attractive sons.
  4. Ann Coulter, albeit slightly radical, supports him.
  5. He is a Mormon and thus produced five attractive sons.

These are all very substantial and good reasons. Five good reasons.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Funny Story

Interestingly enough, the last time my mother-in-law came to visit, she stayed in our guest room. Well, a dear friend, we'll call her "Bosbia", had given me some little treasures from Hustler that included some lube. At some point, I just set the lube, unused mind you, the guest room...on the dresser. Um yea, did not notice that it was in plain sight until well into her stay in which there is no doubt in my mind that she saw it. Oops! Oh well, at least she didn't see the candy nipple tassels* or gummy blow job ring*...

*As it has come to my attention that some people read this that I had no idea have access to this, let me clarify that these items were a gift, not something I bought myself.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Rock on Star Wars Girl!

Okay, I don't normally watch American Idol, especially not the auditions, because I get extremely embarrassed for the people that really believe they can sing and can't and I feel really bad for them when they look all sad that they don't get to go to Hollywood.

However, since the writer's guild strike, American Idol was the only thing on and I am SOOOO glad I watched it because I almost peed my pants laughing. Here is one of the best ones:

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Maybe This Is The Worst Chorus Ever

Um, well, this might, just MIGHT be, the worst / best song ever. I'm not really sure how Bosbia even found this but I can take a couple of guesses starting with a keyword search for "dick" + "smell" + "yo" ????

Warning: Explicit language:

I only put the link and you'll see why when it comes up.

Here it is why it is the Worst Song:
  1. Well, the Title for starters.
  2. "Bitch Ass" - 'nuff said
  3. Camera Phone, I really don't want to go into that crappy song, if those two words are in your song, chances are it sucks.

To End On A Positive Note:
  1. She Has A Point
  2. While it is probably not the preferred method of determining adultery, it is probably the most reliable...?
  3. There are some positive female messages here, especially when she says "don't play me like a fool", Dove - take note, maybe add this to a Campaign For Real Beauty ad or two
    I can see it now...

Good news Jordin, "just like a tatoo" may be the runner up!

My Staff Meeting

My staff meetings consist of about 15 minutes of actual business and 45 minutes to an hour of rumors, jokes, and "fun" normally in the form of trivia. Today, this was our closing:

Once there was a lady that had identical twin sons at a young age. Unfortunately, she had to give them up for adoption. She eventually found love and had a wonderful life. For her 50th wedding anniversary, her husband told her he wanted to get her something really special and what would that be? The wife said that it would mean a lot to her if he could find out what happened to her sons, how they are doing, and invite them to their anniversary party. Her husband said that it had been fifty years and that was a long time but he would do his best. He hired a top private investigator who was able to find out what became of the boys. The husband told his wife that one of the sons had been adopted by a nice, wealthy Spanish family and that he was now working in his family's business and his name was Juan. The other son had been adopted by a nice wealthy Saudi Arabian family and was involved in politics. His name was Jamal. However, only Juan could make it to the anniversary party since it was not known that the other son was not actually Saudi Arabian and it would greatly upset the people. The wife was upset and commented that it was really important to her. To which her husband replied, once you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Thursday, January 10, 2008

And Worst Chorus Goes To...

Pop has hit an all-time low, specifically, the words I have bolded, underlined, and italicized below:

[Chorus]I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything
I've done Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back at a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo
(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have youI'll always have you, I'll always have you)

If you've made it to the end of the chorus, congratulations and give yourself a pat on the back. Go get a massage because I'm sure that was painful. Ridiculous. I'm going to start writing songs. Here is my first one.

Oh baby I love you
But you're no good for me
I know you're my boo
But you can't have my house key

When I walk in the park
My mind wonders back to you
But then I remember how you shit on me like a lark
Maybe I'll sue

You get the idea, I have to get back to work now.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Aw, how sad...TOO BAD.

Why Hillary Should Not Be President:

3. She Thinks Romance Means A Watch That Looks Like It Has Teeth On It...yea, I don't know, I guess that is romance when your husband cheats on you...

2. She Doesn't Have A Financial Dime In Her Head - Really, You Are Going To Give Every Newborn $5,000? Really?!

1. She Can't Control Her Emotions

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Dear God, It's Me Holland...Did I Make You Mad?

It appears my worst nightmare has come true as I keep waking up in Yankee town. That is the only explanation for this crazy ass weather. As a Southerner, there are certain things I expect out of my region, and one of them happens to be a mild winter. The only exception is for snow in which everyone freaks out and you get to miss work. Thankfully, the weather channel reports a return to normalcy with a high of 47 tomorrow.

Reading Rainbow

I know I am always looking for a good book to read so I thought I'd suggest a few:

  • Into the Wild - This is a really really captivating book and I love that it is a true story. I recently read it and plan on seeing the movie a.s.a.p.
  • The Memory Keeper's Daughter - I am only 100 pages in, but so far, so good.
  • Snow Flower and the Secret Fan - Not my favorite book ever but definitely entertaining enough.
  • Philippa Gregory Books - I love her series of books revolving around the era of Henry VIII. They are kind of trashy which makes them even better. Apparently they go in chronological order but you can read them out of order too.
  • The Kite Runner - One of my all time favorites, read the book before you see the movie.
  • A Long Way Gone - Also a favorite, need to read with a box of tissues.

Feel free to suggest books you like and I will post them!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

"L" is for Leggings

My Mom recently divulged that she has been contemplating the purchase of some leggings. On our recent Christmas rendezvous in the Big D, she claims to have cited several women of her age wearing leggings around the mall. While I did notice a considerable amount of skinny jeans, I did not see women of the menopausal age wearing leggings. At this point in the story one or two things could be going on:

1. My Mom saw A woman wearing leggings and failed to notice the rest of the woman, specifically if she was a) really in shape b) making a huge fashion fau paux if she wasn't in shape c) just plain not acknowledging her age which many woman my Mom's age are doing these days. (As much as we hate aging, wearing clothes that aren't meant for anyone but the Desparate Houswives cast is not OK.)

2. My Mom failed to note that the women wearing leggings were actually in their 30's. (Note to self: next time I throw a party for my Mom, don't put "50 is the New 30" on the invite as she takes these things literally)
History of the Legging: Leggings are said to have been around since the 14th century when sissy men of the courts used to prance around in them. The legging had a dramatic, and albeit, more comfortable makeover with the invention of spandex. According to Wikipedia, Spandex was created in 1959. After an extended hiatus as a fashion item, the legging made a come back in the 1960's, 1980's, and now as seen on the gorgeous Halle Berry as well as countless other celebrities and catwalks. I find the legging trend to be oh so comfortable and love channeling Audrey Hepburn by pairing them with a pair of flats.

Spandex Note: A key to fashion success is knowing your limitations and enhancing your assets, not your liabilities. No one walks around bragging about how much debt they have so why would you walk around showing how much cellulite you can squeeze into a pair of spandex pants?

Back to my Mom. My Mom is a cute lady, and petite. However, there are certain rules when it comes to leggings:

1. Underwear lines are a no-no (when questioned, my Mother said she would not wear a thong and prefers underwear lines)

2. Wear something that covers your bottom (Unless you like dirty old men staring at your arse)

3. If you have conceived a child and as a result have wide hips and a flat bottom, maybe don't do the legging thing.

4. You do not violate the #1 spandex rule - Do NOT Abuse it by wearing your spandex workout shorts in public (and unless you are a cyclist or in a rowing club, don't wear spandex shorts in the first place).

Unfortunately, my Mom was not blessed with my behind, and therefore falls in the third category. And, due to a blunder during my wedding planning, falls in the fourth cateory when she showed up to a wedding shop in her spandex work out shorts.

In an effort to divert away from leggings, I suggested skinny jeans. Hopefully this will keep her away from the hosiery section although I have a feeling that her bridge club will convince her to go buy them.

*Disclaimer: I whole-heartedly acknowledge that I am not a fashion guru and on countless days, roll out of bed and throw something on. However, even the untrained eye knows fug. I also embrace the powerful woman as well as Mom's that don't wear embroidered sweaters, let's just keep it clean ladies. Stay away from the embroidered sweaters AND the spandex.