Monday, June 30, 2008

Heidiwood - Part II of "A True Story about a Nightmare that became Reality"

Are you serious? What is a non-denominational Baptist? I'm pretty sure John wouldn't be crazy about that.

Nor would Jesus considering she is comparing her plight with LC the same as the persecution that he faced...

I just replied to the MTV message board ( saying this:

This is ridiculous. First of all, there is no such thing as a non-denominational Baptist. The very definition of nondenominational is that you don’t affiliate with a denomination, hence the “non” in front of the word.

Don’t even get me started on her comparing her drama with L.C. to the persecution of Jesus Christ. I am pretty sure that those two incidents have ABSOLUTELY nothing in common and that Jesus would agree with me.

I don't normally post on message boards and I think I have been to the MTV website maybe twice so this is big people.

In An Exclusive Interview with Jesus, I asked him the question that is on everyone's minds:

H: So Jesus, how do you feel about Heidi's comment?

Jesus: Interesting that you ask H, I was quite insulted by that comment. I was persecuted for being the son of God and died and rose again to save you all from sin, not b/c my compadres didn't like who I was dating. (which was no one for you ignorant people that got all excited about the FICTIONAL book, The Da Vinci Code). While Heidi might think L.C. is her Judas, the situations were vastly different.

H: Jesus, thank you for your time today and for clearing this up. It has been a pleasure.

And I'm spent.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

The Weather

As I left for work this morning I noticed that it was already a balmy 75 degrees outside at the early hour of 6:45AM. I thought to myself, "Man, it's going to be a hot one today".

Fast forward 10 minutes. A light turned on. And that is when I realized I was becoming an old man.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Let's Talk...

about appropriate bathroom behavior at work. Here are some basic rules to follow:

  1. Do NOT talk on your cell phone while using the restroom. This is not only rude to the person you are on the phone with, but also to the other people in the restroom. And yes, we ARE judging you and your germ infested cell phone as well as any pot luck food you bring to work.
  2. Do NOT sit in a stall next to someone unless there are no other stalls available.
  3. WASH YOUR HANDS - if ONLY for the comfort of those who see you leave with dirty hands. This means soap people, water is not a disinfectant.
  4. Clean up after yourself. That includes making sure the toilet flushed and not splashing water all over the countertop.
  5. Rule #2 is not to be discussed. This is an unsaid rule so if you break it, don't explain to the person why you sat next to them. That is just awkward.

And yes, all of these things have happened to me personally and occur regularly at my place of business. Except for #5, that was just the one time.

Big Brothers Big Sisters

If any of you have an extra one to two hours a week and are looking for something meaningful to participate in, I highly suggest the Big Brothers Big Sisters Program. The program desparately needs men to volunteer. Just something to consider.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Big Sister

So, I was chillin' (hanging out / spending time) at my lil sista's (fake little sister that I do stuff with once a week so that maybe, just MAYBE, she doesn't end up preggars at 15) hood (house, paid for by mwah, my own personal taxes) last week.

I was sitting there, the invisible white girl with the running shorts on, translating the conversation between my little sister's Mom and her neighbors.

Mom to Neighbor: He dun got frrrddd!! GRRRLLLLL.

Me (in my head): What in the H-E-Double "L" did she just say? OOHHH, FIIIRREEDDD!!!! Grrrr? OHHH, GIIIIRRRLLL.

That took 2 minutes.

Neighbor: Doody! Doooooddyy! Sit down!

Me (in my head): Doody? Did she really just call her kid Doody? Well, he is 2 and already sagging his jean shorts...I personally would call him Snoop, what, with the dreads and all.

Oh look, there's the police, that's good that they drive around the neighborhood.

Neighbors Boyfriend / Roomie / Drug Dealer?: F'in po-po. (only he said the real word but I know some of you read this at work)

Me (in my head): Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore. Maybe I could talk about the fact that I tried weed once to fit in with this crowd? Maybe I'd be "down" then. Or maybe I'd be that white girl that tried weed once and now she thinks she fits in. F'in cracker. Yea, or maybe I'll just sit here and keep to myself.

Gone Couuunnnttrryyy

How to be a country singer:
  1. Write a song about "back where you come from".

  2. Write a song about 9/11.

  3. Write a song with some absurd word in it, like "badonkadonk" or "hootchie-coochie".

TA: Yea, "H", you're totally right!

H: Thanks Trace, I know. And btw, do you take whey protein? Because your biceps are OUT OF CONTROL.

And there you have it.*

*It dawned on me, as a spectator at the annual CMA Music Fest, that these three items were essential to the success of every country singer on stage**. That and some stupid t-shirt from L.A. that no real country man would be caught dead in.

**Except for Little Big Town. Because they did a Fleetwood Mac cover instead. That rocked my ever-loving, non-Country arse off.

Is it even possible to have an asterisk within an asterisk? Kind of like a P.S.S. or a mathematical equation with multiple parenthesis??

Laverne & Shirley

PLEASE tell me that some of you at least know of Laverne & Shirley. If you don't, well, you missed out on some essential Nick at Nite.

The below captures the very essence of the show.

Ray Ban

If I see another Vandy douch bag/cow/tool wearing these sunglasses I'm going to vom in my UT Nalgene. (That's right, "TERRIBLE" UT).


Wow, how ORIGINAL. How, TOM CRUISE of you. How RISKY. BUSINESS. (come on people, I shouldn't have to state the obvi.)

But seriously. All that money you could at least hire a stylist to tell you that you would look like everyone else on the cover of Us Weekly.


Okay, I know. It has been an entire month since I posted. I have been REALLY busy. For example, I've been reading daily which is insanely exhausting, what with all of the laughing and jealousy of her ability to write a blog that allows her and her husband to retire in their 30s.

Oh, and speaking in fake dog voice on behalf of Zoe.

What can I say but I'm really sorry and I'll try and be a better blogger.