Wednesday, January 2, 2008

"L" is for Leggings

My Mom recently divulged that she has been contemplating the purchase of some leggings. On our recent Christmas rendezvous in the Big D, she claims to have cited several women of her age wearing leggings around the mall. While I did notice a considerable amount of skinny jeans, I did not see women of the menopausal age wearing leggings. At this point in the story one or two things could be going on:

1. My Mom saw A woman wearing leggings and failed to notice the rest of the woman, specifically if she was a) really in shape b) making a huge fashion fau paux if she wasn't in shape c) just plain not acknowledging her age which many woman my Mom's age are doing these days. (As much as we hate aging, wearing clothes that aren't meant for anyone but the Desparate Houswives cast is not OK.)

2. My Mom failed to note that the women wearing leggings were actually in their 30's. (Note to self: next time I throw a party for my Mom, don't put "50 is the New 30" on the invite as she takes these things literally)
History of the Legging: Leggings are said to have been around since the 14th century when sissy men of the courts used to prance around in them. The legging had a dramatic, and albeit, more comfortable makeover with the invention of spandex. According to Wikipedia, Spandex was created in 1959. After an extended hiatus as a fashion item, the legging made a come back in the 1960's, 1980's, and now as seen on the gorgeous Halle Berry as well as countless other celebrities and catwalks. I find the legging trend to be oh so comfortable and love channeling Audrey Hepburn by pairing them with a pair of flats.

Spandex Note: A key to fashion success is knowing your limitations and enhancing your assets, not your liabilities. No one walks around bragging about how much debt they have so why would you walk around showing how much cellulite you can squeeze into a pair of spandex pants?

Back to my Mom. My Mom is a cute lady, and petite. However, there are certain rules when it comes to leggings:

1. Underwear lines are a no-no (when questioned, my Mother said she would not wear a thong and prefers underwear lines)

2. Wear something that covers your bottom (Unless you like dirty old men staring at your arse)

3. If you have conceived a child and as a result have wide hips and a flat bottom, maybe don't do the legging thing.

4. You do not violate the #1 spandex rule - Do NOT Abuse it by wearing your spandex workout shorts in public (and unless you are a cyclist or in a rowing club, don't wear spandex shorts in the first place).

Unfortunately, my Mom was not blessed with my behind, and therefore falls in the third category. And, due to a blunder during my wedding planning, falls in the fourth cateory when she showed up to a wedding shop in her spandex work out shorts.

In an effort to divert away from leggings, I suggested skinny jeans. Hopefully this will keep her away from the hosiery section although I have a feeling that her bridge club will convince her to go buy them.

*Disclaimer: I whole-heartedly acknowledge that I am not a fashion guru and on countless days, roll out of bed and throw something on. However, even the untrained eye knows fug. I also embrace the powerful woman as well as Mom's that don't wear embroidered sweaters, let's just keep it clean ladies. Stay away from the embroidered sweaters AND the spandex.

1 comment:

Marge said...

Simpson should definitely let you be a guest columnist for her! I'm about to wet my pants! I think she's afraid you'll show her up... chin chin my friend! PS, congrats on getting hitched!
- Maggie McIntosh