The Art of Justifying Inane Purchases

I really want these Jack Rogers Navajo Sandals in Platinum. Now, how do I convince myself and my DH that these are completely practical and worth the approximately $85 that they cost? As every manipulating, eh, I mean, batting eye-lashed woman knows, it is through the powers of seduction, eh, I mean, justification.

For all you women that lack this innate gene, listen and learn.

1. Let's start with the color of the sandal. Platinum can be worn with gold OR silver, that is the beauty of it. Instead of having to buy two pairs of sandals, a gold and a silver pair, I only need to buy this platinum pair.
2. Second, and equally as important as color, is the practicallity of the sandal. While they are practical for the dual color use, they are also 100% practical as they can be worn prety much ANYWHERE. I could wear these at work (big plus here ladies), out to dinner, at the beach, while running errands, etc. **The only time I wouldn't wear these is if I was mowing the lawn. And even then, one might argue that you could wear these inside a pair of say, oversized shoes, while you mow (this is pushing it, if you have to go this far to convince your other half, then you need to stop, regroup, and approach the issue from another angle).
3. Lastly, is that these sandals are classic. They have been in style for years. While the gold / silver sandal thing is going to go out of style, these are subtle enough in color that they are not "trendy". I can wear these for years, and thus, I have justified the price. If you need to further this argument, do some simple math for your DH. For example, if I bought two pairs of trendy summer sandals every year at say, $20 a pop, well thats $40 a year. In two years, I will break even on my nice Jack Rogers Sandals.

As Christian would say, "Fierce".

As Memaw would say, "Oh lawsy!".

As Michael Scott would say, "That's what she said".

Here is some rationale that you should keep to yourself:

1. But sweety, how else are we going to be invited on someone's yacht if I don't own any resort wear?
2. I need to show off my pedicure.
3. My heels are really damaging my feet and knees. (This only works if you are NEVER going to wear heels again and if your DH is dumb enough to not notice that these sandals offer no arch and heel support what-so-ever).

Feel free to comment with any questions you have. If you have a particular item you are trying to justify and just can't seem to come up with anything, I'd be more than willing to help you out. My consulting fee is very reasonable.

All In A Day's Volunteering

Here are a few excerpts from my time with my "lil sis" yesterday:

LS (lil sis): I love Jonas Brothers. I kiss the t.v. for that!
H: Me too! Errr, I mean, who are the Jonas Brothers?
---Browsing stickers at Michael's craft store

LS: I want to put my nickname on the back of my t-shirt.
H: What is your nickname?
LS: Sharpay.
H: Um, who calls you that?
LS: No one.
H: Then it's not your nickname.
LS: Well, two people called me that but cause I told them to.
---Discussing our t-shirt designs for the pre-season Titans game we are going to for free courtesy of LP

LS: Can you buy me these glasses? I need them to read.
H: Your mom can buy you glasses if you need them.
LS: She don't got no money.
H: Quit trying to hustle me.
---Being hustled, as usual, when we go in a store.

LS: You got any R&B we can listen to, like Rihanna?
H: Ummmm....R&B?? Maybe??...??
---This being said as we painted t-shirts & she wanted to listen to music.

A New Website to Taunt Me

So, I recently discovered a website that is the equivalant to an ebay crafts fair called etsy.com. They have super cute stuff and it is amazing how creative these people are.

Of course there are some ugly things too..for example,

this: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=cat3_gallery_7&listing_id=13632432,

Would you make your kid wear this as anything but a joke? Wwell, maybe you would, but if you would, I would guess that you also have a 1980's stang and a mullet with stone-washed jeans...

Overall though, the site is a winner. I'm trying to come up with something crafty that I can make and sell on there. Maybe dog collars. Or those friendship bracelets I used to make in middle school...or...lanyards!!!! Who wouldn't want a lanyard key chain?!

Would You Rather Votes Are In...

In an outstanding unanimous vote, everyone, all three of you, voted that you would rather:

Have a Cow Pie Facial than...

Eat Cat Poo
Have a Baby Spit Up in Your Mouth or
Shart in Your Pants in Front of a Bunch of People

Please check for a new "Would You Rather" poll coming soon!

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoop!

Multitasking Becomes a Bad Thing When...

You try and turn the music down on your laptop with your t.v. remote despite the t.v. already being muted.

Or, reaching for a drink and picking up the Elmer's glue bottle but not realizing that it isn't your drink until you have just touched your lips to the screw-top.

It happens to the best of us, and by us I mean women. Men don't even know what the word multitasking means. They get to the multi and pull a Homer. DUH?

Gag Reflex

You know when your work day is over and you can't wait to get home?

Except that when you get home, it smells so rank you think you are going to vom as soon as you open the front door?

What, no?, this hasn't happened to you?

Oh, well, LUCKY YOU!

Basically, Zoe vom'd and went #2 in her crate while we were at work.

And then it dawned on me, I am not ready for children.

Apparently I'll be the one handing any future children with dirty diapers over to my DH as I could barely stand to be inside, let alone clean up the giant mess that was our dog, her crate, and our breakfast area (yes, it escaped the crate).

But hey, if I have to birth the dang thing, then I suppose it is only fair for him to clean up after it for the first few years...right?

Would You Rather...

I will be posting a series of "Would You Rather" polls on my blog. Please cast your vote!

Don't Mess With Texas, eh, I mean, British Tweens

Apparently littering is the new Dooney & Burke bag. Or whatever British girls are into. Littering is the new Kylie Minogue? IDK.

Anywho, check out this crazy ass story: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,385841,00.html

That's right. The two policemen got their boots kicked for telling a tween to pick up her fast food wrapper.

Did I miss something here? Since when does that kind of mandate correlate with a good ole British mob arse kicking?

I imagine the conversation went something like this:

Bluebottle#1 (in a Shakespearean-Age Voice): Young lady, whilt thou please pick up thou garbaaaggee?
Tween: Bugger off arse!
Bluebottle#2: Pick up thou's bloody trash, bloody hell.
Tweens & Older Men Looking to Get Some: (Kick in the nads, jab to the ribs): Take that you ole farts!
Bluebottle#1: (Switching back and forth to cockney) Awww, bloody hell bloke. We got in a barney* with tween girls AGAIN. Oh the shame of it taaaalll! I guess I need to call me barrister.

End Scene.

*Apparently barney is British for fight and bluebottle is slang for cop. You guys should know the other words. If not, go watch "Bridget Jones Diary".

It's A Love / Hate Kind of Thing

I have a chronic disease. It's called, IRUBIUFWPIOCBRTMBAO. It stands for "I Rarely Use Bookmarks and I Usually Forget What Page I'm On Compounded By Reading Too Many Books At Once".

There is another form of this disease that ends in "Further Compounded by Pending Library Due Dates".

Side Effects include:

• Guilt
• Late Fees
• Excessively adding books to your hold list b/c otherwise you'll forget the title of them
• Frequent trips to the Library
• Sleep Deprivation

Basically, I have a serious problem. I have too many books that I am trying to read at once and I'm not getting far in any of them because I am so distraught over trying to finish them that I end up not wanting to read.

I think I need to focus on the library books. Especially the one with the late fees on it...that I have renewed to stop the late fees from further accumulating.

I also need to acknowledge that I can turn them back in and check them out again. At a later date. When I'm not trying to read four books at once.

That's the problem though. People with this disease, we don't want to turn books back in until we have finished reading them. It gives you a nice sense of accomplishment when you finish a book.

Which basically leads to a whole slew of other problems like, "PTFDYDHTOIOTNFGASCA" (Put The Fork Down, You Don't Have to Overeat In Order to Not Feel Guilty About the Starving Children in Africa).

Maybe I have a slight bit of "OCD" but not enough to get me off my butt and clean my house. It's all mental, it doesn't translate into action. It just causes me stress without ever actually doing anything about it.

This could go on for days, I'll stop here, hopefully you feel better about yourself now after realizing how weird some people are...

Are Halls also an Antibiotic?

A woman was eating her cough drops directly off the conference room table today.

Let's just hope that the cough drops have enough medicine in them to ward off any of the nasty germs she was picking up from that table.

Seriously, what is wrong with people?

My Life as a Wildlife Photog

So, while in Hilton Head, I decided that it was time to bust out the nice digital camera we got almost a year ago and take some pics.

Here's the part where the all the wildlife are supposed to scurry over to me for their close-up. Only they didn't.

And I sat for approximately 10 minutes by a crab hole waiting for the little shit to come out. Except he didn't. Until approximately 30 seconds after I returned to my beach chair.

In case you are reading this little crab man, we are no longer friends and consider yourself lucky if I don't accidentally eat one of your relative's legs.

Jerk.

Dream Street, All Grown Up

So, I was driving home yesterday and heard this song. And I just LOVE this song. I think mainly because of the xylophone in it. It takes me back to pre-school, the days before you were allowed to play a recorder. When you have no worries, and as the song says, "don't stress, don't stress".

That is, I DID love it.

Until I saw the music video. That I watched to post about HOW much I LOVE the song.

And then the old man in me, and in this case father, wanted to scream, "NNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!". Mainly because Jesse McCartney was born in 1987, the same year as my brother, and he has a music video that basically insenuates all kinds of sex.

Nothing says sexy like two tweens rolling around on a mattress without sheets. Only a tween would think that is H-O-T-T HOT b/c I am pretty much thinking, eeewww! Gotta love the close up of the chicks acne at around 2 minutes and again around 2:30.

Are you kidding? Who approved this? What producer thought, "hmm, I know! Let's put Jesse on a bed with an equally looking young girl and have him fake undo her bra...yes, I can totally see it! This will let everyone know that he is no longer the youngest member of Dream Street but a man in his own right!!!!!!!!!!!".

I realized about midway-thru the song, that it is actually, probably, about them having sex. Here is when it dawned on me, as I was bi-bopping along yesterday, I thought, "Hmm, I wonder why after, "don't stress, don't stress", it says, "just tell him to the left, left, left"...

But no, I was wrong about that line. After reading the lyrics, it is actually about him convincing her to leave her current boyfriend. There might be a part two to this b/c I don't have enough room to make fun of the lyrcis.

I'm too old for this. This kid is around Aaron Carter's age. I babysat for kids that liked Aaron Carter. Some of you who read this might even think, "Who IS Aaron Carter?". I'm a twenty-something, you all know this. Aaron Carter is Nick Carter's little brother. As in Backstreet Boys Nick Carter. As in, after The New Kids on The Block, but BEFORE NKOTB decided to return. (Blog on that coming later, probably titled, "Nothing Says Sexy Like Men in Their 30s Tryin' To Make a ComeBack to the Boy Band Scene...")

I know, you all are thinking I have bad taste in music. But please look to your left and you'll see that my player actually has good music on it. I just like to listen to up-beat, fun stuff sometimes. So I can dance around in my car.

I Married A Giant

Have you ever tried to iron a sheet with sleeves? Because I have. And it sucks.

The chord to the iron keeps getting trapped under the giant sheet-like shirt. Then, the shirt is dragging on the floor thus nullifying the entire act of ironing it in the first place.

I wonder if dry cleaners charge extra for giant-people shirts just like they charge extra for ladies' shirts, which is a crock of shit if you ask me. How many women make up the work force now? Like 46% of the total in 2005? (Thank you Department of State webpage). Yea, that is what I thought.

Bingo. I am going to run an expose on the ridiculous amount of money that dry cleaners make on women and then sue them for discriminating. Are you actually telling me that in the 150+* years that the dry cleaner has been around, they couldn't get around to inventing a smaller shirt press for women???!!!*

Alright, I think I have side-tracked enough for one posting.

*Yes, the dry cleaning process has actually been around since the 19th Century. Finding this fact out only infuriated me more. Also, I am all about the rhetorical questions today. Sorry.